6 months without Kyle…
6 months without Kyle….
The past month has been one of the hardest months of my life!
Back in November when I watched Kyle take his last breath I thought it would be my hardest time of my life. When he gasped and I realized he was leaving us, I felt the life drain out of me. It was a helpless moment, a moment of defeat, there was not a thing I could do. I felt empty, no words. I’ll never forget walking out of that hospital and leaving Kyle behind, his dead body on the gurney in a room by itself. My heart hurt but a numbness, shock, came in and I felt like I was in a bad dream. In the past when someone lost a loved one I’ve often said I don’t know how they even get out of bed after facing that, especially that morning after the funeral was over. How do they go on? Sadly I found out. But what I didn’t realize is how long you can be in shock and how that shock can protect you and help you through those first days, during the viewing and funeral and the days afterwards. But eventually that shock wears off and you realize it’s not a bad dream, it’s real and it will forever be this way.
Loosing Kyle that day was so hard but living without him almost 7 months has been harder then I ever imagined!
I realized how much I loved that kid and his quirkiness. I learned to love the unknown of each day! I’ve recently told someone I’ve just had the most boring, ordinary, lonely 6 months of my life! Also the quietest and most heart wrenching! With Kyle no 2 days (or nights!🤦🏽♀️) were alike! I never knew where we would end up, who we would meet or how God might use us each day!
Ivan and I are so different. He was content with taking every family vacation in Florida at the same place. He said Kyle knows the Florida house, he’s familiar with things there so it makes it easier. I on the other hand I guess thrived on hard, unknown. I loved taking Kyle on trips not knowing how long it would take to get there, taking Kyle to new places- parks, hotels, water, and just things we found along the way! I also especially loved the people God brought into my life!!
This month wasn’t actually complete boring. I have been so busy and in some ways in need to stay home more. Then I don’t have to come home again and again to an empty quiet house.
There was the lake house/ Carolinas trip, TN with the family, Pittsburgh, this weekend and next weekend Perry county. So not like I’m not traveling but there just isn’t the sense of wonder, the unknown like it was with Kyle. I miss him and the life we created.
May-6 months without Kyle, family time in TN w/o Kyle, first Mother’s Day, spring, pool opens, first time back in Pittsburgh where our family had been together like 4-5 times so lots of memories there, and now tomorrow The first time back at the cabin in Perry county without my best friend! Honestly it’s been a really really hard month! I could use your prayers especially this weekend and next at Perry county! Also there’s that tombstone we need to order- ugh! Prayers for that as well please!
And yes I had great moments with my family in TN, a fun time with mom and my siblings in Pittsburgh, and yes I want to appreciate those I still have and make new memories with them. And also, I am thankful that God walks beside me every day and has more to my story. I do know He will get me through and I’m grateful!! 💛💛💛